Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dear Draft Diary...

So this little thing called the NFL Draft happened this weekend and if you have never experienced the first day of the NFL draft, well your in for a real treat. The draft is probably the most amazing, wonderful, sick, illest, most boring, annoying sporting event to possibly watch. There is so many ups and downs and nothing is certain....unless your Matthew Stafford. So I'm going to give you a run down of what My boy Joe and my Saturday was like. All you females out there...pay attention closely...this way you know never to participate in one of these....

12:00 PM EST: I had work on my ice cream truck from 11-1:45ish. It was hot. It was annoying to deal with the same little kids every 5 minutes, but hey....brotha's gotta make money.

2:00 PM EST: I decide to go for a little pre-draft workout, decide to get a nice 2 mile run in...nothing major just gotta get a little warmed up for the fantastical fun that's about to take place in a few hours. (Yup, I said fantastical....AND it didn't even show up on my spellcheck)

2:05 PM EST: Walk outside and realize I don't want to run....AT ALL...go back inside and start planning out what I'm going to buy at WaWa on my way to my boy Joe's. Also begin to play the new UFC game for XBOX 360.....so ill.

3:00 PM EST: Fed up with the UFC game because Chuck Lidell is absolutely housing me because all I'm doing is button mashing and can't land any real combos, I decide to shut the game off and get my draft attire on.................t-shirt and shorts.

3:30 PM EST: I arrive at WaWa to get some football food for myself and the boys. As I scour through WaWa I realize that the selection is limited as far as hamburgers and hot dogs and wings and every other possible football food you can think of. I spot one last Hot Dog package in the way corner....scooped that up real quick. Got the rolls. Decided since it's been a while, I'll get my all time favorite drink.....WaWa Lemonade Tea.

3:52 PM EST: I arrive at Joe's and you can just sense the drama in the air that is about to take place. No Parents around so we can curse and scream all we want at the picks. No siblings around so they can't ask us a million questions. Just us, the TV, and 8 hours of wasted time.....Gonna be sick.

Now here is a disclaimer before you keep on reading. I, obviously, am a die hard Dallas Cowboys fan and we don't have a pick until the 2nd round, so my day is F'ed from the beginning. However, Joe's favorite team, the New York Jets, has been the topic of conversation this week as there are zillions of trade rumors going around. So as you could imagine, Joe's a bit on edge.

4:02 PM EST: Detroit Lions are on the clock.

4:03 PM EST: Detroit Lions selected Matthew Stafford the night before. Which is always interesting to me. Why even have a clock for the first team? They seem to get signed the night before anyway.

4:05 PM EST: Rams are on the clock and Joe is already going into cardiac arrest. Easy Joe, it's only the 2nd pick, there's still hope Sanchez will be there at 17......orrrrrrrr not.

4:25 PM EST: Rams selected Jason Smith, and the Chiefs reached and grabbed Tyson Jackson. Now Seattle is on the clock and Joe is in full-on, "I'm gonna flip shit if Seattle drafts Sanchez" mode.

4:33 PM EST: Tick Tock Tick Tock....Joe is beside himself. With the 4th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft...the Seattle Seahawks draft.............(Joe screaming "Comon Baby!") Aaron Curry. Joe: " YESSSSSSS, YESSSSSS, THANK YOU GOD" Can you see where this is going?

This is right around where all hell is about to break loose....

4:43 PM EST: Cleveland has been on the clock for about 8 minutes now and rumors all week were that they wanted to select Mark Sanchez or Michael Crabtree. Meanwhile, Joe and I are going through possible scenarios where the Jets could move to 8 if Sanchez falls, but it's an extreme long shot because it depends on what Cleveland does.

4:44 PM EST: 1 minute left and we're pretty convinced Cleveland is not trading the pick.

4:45 PM EST: Joe went in to the kitchen for a second to get some pretzels probably, and we were kinda getting bored waiting for Cleveland.....a conversation struck up, completely irrelevant to what was happening on the TV....it was probably about getting Joe's boat in the water or something completely useless. Just as this was happening I spotted something out of the corner of my eye....on the bottom left of the TV a big square with the letters....T.R.A.D.E. popped up. At first I kind of glanced at it funny....didn't really know how to interrupt this incredible boating story, so I basically just screamed the word "TRADEEE!!!!!!"......3 second pause...."TO THE JETSSSSSSSS"...

4:46 PM EST: In about 1.9 seconds of elapsed time, Joe somehow made it from his chair into the kitchen in about 1 step, and did some sort of swinging motion with his hands....I don't know what that was. As Joe is in the kitchen flipping shit with Ryan, I'm trying to see what the hell just happened. It was obvious the Jets were now going to draft Mark Sanchez. WOW. The Jets have a quarterback. Lost in this mess was Joe's initial reaction....which I'm sure looked like this............. :-O .................Joe was so excited and beside himself (I like that term) that he didn't even get to see Sanchez get picked. We knew that from this point on, it was going to be a ridiculous day.

5:00 PM EST: Settling down from all this excitement, I sit back down, Joe regains consciousness and we're good to go. Meanwhile I'm getting texts from my cousin about how the Jets are going to the SuperBowl....easy Jet fans...this isn't Brett Favre.

5:30 PM EST: Still stunned over the days events, Oakland decides they're going to give us something to talk about for the next hour. They draft Darius Heyward-Bey. WHAT? Al Davis please just sell the team....no literally sell them. I don't care if you use Craigslist, Ebay, Facebook, Twitter, or you sell it at a freaking flea market. What the hell is this guy thinking? I mean seriously he's has to be the dumbest man in the NFL. My 12 year old brother knew to pick Michael Crabtree instead of him. At least Jeremy Maclin. My god Al.

6:30 PM EST: Cleveland is up with the pick that they got from the Jets....and they trade down again. I sense a theme here

6:45 PM EST: Joe's girlfriend arrives. Note to all girls/girlfriends: Stay far away from the NFL draft. Just trust me...it's worse than sitting through the games for you guys.

6:50 PM EST: Cleveland trades down again. Mangenius is off to a great start with that franchise....SIKE

7:00 PM EST: We decide that enough is enough. We need a break. So we go out in the back and get on the trampoline to play a little SlamBall. For those of you who don;t know what Slamball is.....shame on you. But here's a nice little video to show you the most amazing sport ever created. We decided to play 21 and it is probably the most fun game to ever play. Flying 10 feet in the air to block shots and dunk....you can't beat that.

7:15 PM EST: Im periodically checking to see when my boy Donnie Brown is going to get drafted. I peak in and see him smiling and clapping his hands. I leap off the trampoline to go inside to see him get drafted. Congratulations Donnie...You deserve it. Wait you're going to get hand offs from Peyton Manning? That's normal. Most people get to do that.

8:30 PM EST: Joe, his girl, and Ryan really have no other reason to watch the draft because their teams are done drafting. However I make them sit and watch the draft with me because I said so.

9:30 PM EST: Cowboys are on the clock. 5 seconds left on the clock. What the hell are we doing? No we didn-...We Passed?!?!?!?! WHAT?!

9:32 PM EST: Wait hold on...phew...we traded. Jesus Christ I thought we passed the pick.

10:00 PM EST: After about 6 hours of watching the draft, chillen having a good time with all this excitement. It's slowly starting to set in that I watched 6 hours of draft activity and my team did not one thing. Probably has to be the most annoying thing I've ever had to experience. I mean seriously Jerry, comon just give me a little something on day 1. That's what we get for being Cowboys fans.

At least the hot dogs and Lemonade Tea were good though....

Friday, April 24, 2009

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

Let me start by saying that I am in no way shape or form, down with Bret Michaels or Poison. I just thought that it was a fitting title to what I'm about to explain. Over the past week something funny has happened and I can't really explain it. The first game of the NBA Playoffs happened last Saturday starting off with the Boston Celtics at home against the Chicago Bulls. We got to witness maybe the best performance EVER by a rookie in his first playoff game. Mr. Derrick Rose poured in 36 in an overtime thriller and led the offense like he had been in the league for 10 years. It was kinda like when Britney Spears first came up and started hitting me baby, one more time. She was the young diva and she led the pop industry for years. (Probably a bad example but work with me). Let me be the first to say that I absolutely have a man-crush on Derrick Rose and his game. I think he's the next great point guard along the lines of Oscar, Magic, Stockton, Nash, Paul. So take this with a little grain of salt but.....why all of the attention after ONE game? When I tell you that EVERYONE, was on the Derrick Rose bang wagon after that game, I literally mean EVERYONE.

So something funny happened after the 2nd and 3rd games, that we may have never seen before....

All that Hype and Obsession over Mr. Rose just disappeared.

There's probably a reason for that, being as he's played way less than his first game performance should indicate him playing. But even so, the hype usually stays around longer than the actual game does. But this one is fading so quick. I can't remember someone with so much hype after ONE game.....and then just loses it in a matter of a week. Last night's game was an absolute smack in the face for Mr. Rose. In fact I'm not even going to call him Mr. Rose because he's younger than me (That irks me a little...) The Celtics have figured out how to frustrate him and make him commit turnovers (7 last game) and take challenged shots.

Derrick Rose is going to be one of the finest point guards, maybe, that we've ever seen. But right now he's learning that it's not always going to be as easy as game 1. But this is when true greatness comes out in players, and we will be able to tell how Rose's playoff career will be. The way that he responds from these rough games should say a lot about him. But for now....he's going to have to learn.


Just a little preface to this weekend's NFL draft....

First and foremost, my boy Donald Brown is slated to get drafted in the first round. (RB, UCONN, Currently Number 3 on Mel Kiper's Board for RBs) Make sure you guys check him out, dude is the truth.

Lions are retarded if they don't draft a QB. However, I'm not sold on Stafford...but we'll see.

My Cowboys don't have a first round pick so I'm not even remotely excited for this draft like I usually am...If Donald wasn't in it I might not even watch the first round....I'd probably be out enjoying this beautiful Toms River weather baby.....But instead I'm going to have to sit around for 3 hours and wait till I hear my boy's name get called....WTF Donnie.


Everyone needs to cop Asher Roth's album for real. The kid is insane, and he went to school at West Chester which is sort of a rival for my old school ESU. Kid is seriously dope check him out.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spring Break

Hello Boys and Girls....as you can tell I haven't been on. I was on a beautiful, all expenses paid Spring Break vacation in the glorious, the one and only....Toms River, NJ. Ahh yes, it is quite the place to be this time of the year. You can enjoy snow on the first day of Spring, 70 degree weather on a Monday, and 41 degree weather on a Tuesday. It's really just the thrill of a lifetime...

(If you haven't picked up on the sarcasm yet.....You need to recollect your thoughts and question where you're going in life)

Anyway I missed quite a bit on my luxurious Spring Break. I know You all missed my Final Four analysis but I was so distraught at the fact that I had ONE team in the Final Four in my bracket AND I gave you probably the worst picks in my Elite 8 analysis in the history of Elite 8 analyses (I had to Google the right pronunciation of analyses, you have to admit that is tricky as hell.) But I have to say I did not enjoy the national title game....complete snoozer. Michigan St. isn't even the 5th best team in the country, they just benefited from playing in detroit. UNC has been the best team and they proved that in the game....

So on to something I've never done, I'm going to write about the first week in baseball and some things I've noticed and I'm going to tell you what teams are in trouble....in a comedic way of course....so here we go...

MLB Opening Week:

You know your in trouble when: The New York Mets are only 5 games in and they already lost a game due to...(take a deep breath and count to 10 Met fans)... A BALK. Going to be a long season in Citi Field.

You know your in trouble when: Chen-Ming Wang has an ERA that is higher than my current age.

You know it will be an interesting season when: The Marlins start 4-0. If you don't know much about the Marlins, they don't even have someone that makes more money per year than me.....and I'm sitting at $120.00 a week substitute teaching. I mean seriously how do these guys win ball games, you can't name me more than 3 people on that team. They do have the best Shortstop in baseball though.
You know your in trouble when: The Nations capital is supposed to be going through a change, and a push for change. Well, your Washington Nationals are 0-7. Someone tell Obama to give the Nationals a stimulus package because they need it. Yeesh.

Could possibly be in trouble: Boston Red Sox. So many injuries really early. Something to keep an eye on.
Possibly in trouble when: The reigning Cy Young winners in both leagues haven't won a game yet, and both have an ERA over 8 runs. Quick side note: Tim Lincecum looks like he could be in a few of my classes. I mean seriously he looks like a baby, but he throws straight flames.
Could possibly be distracted when: Your legendary announcer, Mr. Harry Kalas, passes away one week into the season. Such an emotional week for the Phillies, it will be interesting to see if it effects their play.

And Finally,

You definitely know your in trouble when: Your team pays $250 million dollars to upgrade its pitching staff....and against a division rival and current American league champion, Tampa Bay Rays...Nick Swisher has to pitch for your team. If your reading this and you don't know who I'm talking about I'm talking about The New York Yankees and their 1B/OF Nick Swisher. He pitched an inning for the Yankees the other day in a 15-5 rout. Funny thing is he is going to finish with the best ERA in baseball this year. 0.00 Ladies and Gentleman your New York Yankees.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Final Four Preview and The Biggest Baby in Professional Sports

Written By Tom DeRiggi

As promised I'm back in the nick-of-time to give you my Final Four preview/analysis to save you all from betting on inexplicable teams this weekend. We're going to keep the Final Four Preview a little shorter than I would like to but I have to get to the Chicago Bear's new-born BABY....

Final Four weekend is my favorite weekend of the year, by far. It's above Superbowl Sunday, The Master's/US Open, and even the weekend that my whole family heads up to Manasquan to stay at this sick ass house in which the whole night consists of my loud aunts and my mother singing karaoke to Carrie Underwood while my Uncles and my dad clamor about who's going to be the best NFL team this year....AND my cousins and I are out on the beach playing some sort of athletic event and probably hitting elderly people with Frisbees. (For the record...that might be the longest sentence I've ever written) Something about Final Four weekend just gets my juices flowing. There is so much build up, so much analysis, so much hype surrounding the four teams and now it's finally time for them to settle it on the court; it's also time for millions of people to lose out on millions of dollars in their brackets and/or bets they have this weekend.
So allow me to save you from losing a few hundred this weekend and make your weekend as enjoyable as mine will be....

The First game: 1) Connecticut vs 2) Michigan State

I'm still not exactly sure how Michigan State is still in the tournament. I'm the biggest hater in the world on the Big Ten. I just don't comprehend how you can teach such a BORING breed of basketball. It's just incredible. Let me ask you a question...How many big Ten teams have won the NCAA tournament in the past 20 years? The answer is 2.....2 TEAMS!!! It's unbelievable how people think Michigan State is even going to be close in this game. I honestly think that UCONN couldn't have picked a better team to play in that bracket, outside of the high teen seeds. UCONN is too big for Michigan State, has better guards then Michigan State, and plays better defense than Michigan State. On Paper that adds up to a UCONN victory. Everyone is talking about this home court advantage for Mich. St. but Jim Calhoun put that to rest perfectly...."The rim is still 10 feet high, foul line 15 feet away, and court is still 94 feet long." I have chills....UCONN by 10.

The second game: 3) Villanova vs 1) North Carolina

Allow me to steal a line from Chris Berman on Sunday NFL Countdown.....



I know it's an absolute long shot. I think Las Vegas has them at 5-1 to win the Championship, but hear me out...No one in the Final Four plays defense like Villanova does. They have been tested all season by the best teams in the country, and just won the game of the tournament, so the big game atmosphere doesn't phase them. Aside from my cardinal rule of the first round in which I always trust a senior star point guard on a lower seeded team, I have a rule for the final four...Trust the team with guards who know how to win games....and then you sayyyyy....DUHHHH Ty Lawson...and then I slap you in the face then say...DUHHHHH Scotty Reynolds, Cory Fischer, Reggie Redding...I don't know why but I think they have enough to keep Lawson in check and they play enough help side defense that Hansborough is going to have a tough time in the lane. I'm calling it now....UPSET ALERT Villanova takes down UNC and your looking at an all Big East final.

Championship game pick coming Sunday Night:


Now on to the Chicago Bears. Congratulations on your new born BABY!! And by baby I mean the biggest baby in the history of the NFL Mr. Jay Cutler. You have to be the biggest cry-baby sore loser I have ever seen in my life. So what your coach tried to get another QB in who he was familiar with, big deal that's the business. Look at what Parcells and Belichek have done in their careers to be successful, they've brought in their guys to play for them. And Then Jay Cutler decides that he wants to completely leave one of the better fan bases in the league, a top 5 wide receiver and a potential top 10 future wide receiver, and a GENIUS as a head coach in terms of offensive coordination. Granted your only 25, you need some growing up to do...WAKE UP Jay, not everyone worships the ground you walk on in the NFL so deal with it...Now your on too Chicago, where Devin Hester is your number 1 receiver.......Yikes...Good luck with that....BABY