Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Day to Be Thankful

Apparently today is a national holiday in which people all across the country are stuffing their faces with massive amounts of food, drinking all 561 flavors of Sam Adams, taking unexplainable naps after eating, watching football from 12:30-10pm, and enjoying the company of their families. Oh, and it's a day to be thankful too.

So before everyone starts their day with their respective families, I think it's time for you all to know the top 10 things that I'm thankful for...

Number 10: I am thankful for the ability to watch football ALL DAY on thanksgiving. Too bad my Italian family will be so loud that I won't be able to hear Joe Buck's monotone voice or Phil Simms talk about his mother's peach cobbler.

Number 9: I am thankful for the fact that my Cowboys play EVERY thanksgiving day. I am not thankful for the fact that I have to watch a bottom 5 team play them every year on this day...thus leading to a 20 point blow. My cousin Vinnie (no not the movie), and I had this brief conversation this morning:

Vinnie: Yo who are the cowboys playing today?

Tom: The Raiders

Vinnie: Great, cant wait to watch these games today, seriously why can't they schedule good teams to play on thanksgiving its the perfect holiday too watch football and we have to watch the Raiders.

Me: (At a loss of words)

Oh, we get to watch the Lions too.

Number 8: I am thankful for Thanksgiving day food. But not your traditional Turkey and carrots. I'm talking about that classic Italian gravy ( it's called gravy not sauce you morons) that my grandpa is going to make because to be honest...I'm not too fond of Turkey and an inordinate amount of vegetables. It's almost too healthy.

Number 7: I am thankful for Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson, and (gulp) Tony Romo. Be because if these guys didn't play in the NFL, I don't know If I would watch. <--That might be a lie. Actually, it's definitely a lie. Number 6: I am thankful for Bill Simmons. Not only does his columns and podcasts get me through the week, but his new book The Book of Basketball got me through the morning of boring-ness leading up to the games today. It's 760 pages long. I'm on 101. Its taken me a long time to get to 101, I'm figuring by 2011 I'll be done.

Number 5: I am thankful for Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, and Dwight Howard. Just for the simple fact that they make my favorite sport exciting and because I'm running out of things to be thankful for. Am I close to one yet?

Number 4: I am definitely NOT thankful for Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett. Between the two of them I've already lost 5-7.5 years on my life. Now I'm going to have to actually work out when I'm 50 to get those years back.

Here's an idea Wade...just stay home and eat turkey today. Let Jerry just hire a "closer" coach...kind of like Mariano Rivera. A one day contract for Bill Cowher to come in and coach the thanksgiving day game. Why is this so wrong? I just want to know what it's like to have a coach that actually has a pulse.

Number 3: I am SOOO thankful for Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. This game will single handily be the reason that the graduation rate of college students will go down by 25% this year. I mean who wouldn't rather drop a tactical nuclear bomb on a bunch of little 12 year old kids whose parents shouldn't have bought the game for them, yet they allow them to play and get screamed at by 20-something college kids who use ridiculous profanity and talk massive trash. (Yes, yes I do this. Don't think less of me.) Shoot, that reminds me, I have some papers to do.

Number 2: I am thankful for the fact that Tony Romo is going to have another fantastic game on Thanksgiving today, only to lead us into the "I looked great for 3 months and in reality I'm really just fooling you all to think I'm a good QB" mode. Tony Romo is like that 3 year girlfriend you've had that just isn't interested in you anymore but she keeps leading you on until she finds another guy. Can't wait for a 1-4 December, Tony!!

Number 1: Of course last and not least, I am thankful for my family and friends. There's nothing better than spending the day eating and watching football with the people you love. Everybody enjoy the day with their loved ones, Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Infamous Mid-Season Awards, Sort of

Three weeks is unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. That's all I have to say. There's no way a blogger with such popularity and rapport as myself should be on a three week hiatus (can't you just smell the sarcasm?) But then I think about how college professors seem to not care about anyone but themselves, so they don't coordinate with one another and almost always schedule every project and paper known to mankind to be due during the same week. I mean, god forbid they had an organized system so kids aren't jumping out of windows due to stress. Do they not know that October is the busiest sports month of the year? So on their unknowing behalf, I do apologize for the hiatus.

I thought that since we are beyond the half way point for the NFL, and every team has had at least 8 games, it may be time for the infamous Chit-Chat Sports Mid-Season NFL Awards. I'm just warning you before we go in, these awards are more classified then the Oscars. I mean they're harder to get in advance than a copy of a bootleg Jay-Z CD. So with that in mind....let the award show begin...

The Least Valuable Player (the LVP):
Larry Johnson (, Cheifs) - Has anyone made less of an impact this NFL season? Did he do ANYTHING productive? He brought his coaching staff down, knocked teammates, made racial comments via twitter, played like he didn't know how to play football, and actually wound up causing Todd Haley and his wife to get a divorce. Ok... so I made that last one up. But seriously, what hasn't Larry Johnson done to harm this team this year. In my opinion, he is the clear cut LVP.

The "Worst Coaching Decision of the Year, and Quite Possible The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Seen" Award:
Andy Reid vs Dallas Cowboys - Andy Reid sucks. He just flat out sucks at game managing. He has ALWAYS been this bad. If you listen or read Bill Simmons work this week he has a conversation with's Mike Lombardi about HOW BAD Andy Reid is a game manager. They proposed the Idea that they hire a 'closer coach.' This coach would come in for only the fourth quarter situations and finish out the game, much like Mariano Rivera. I feel like this could work. Andy goes strong 7-8 innings, and you bring in Bill Cowher or Mike Shanahan as your 4th quarter coach. Why wouldn't this work?

The "Wow I Can't Believe I Passed Up On You in My Fantasy Draft" Award:
Tie: Ray Rice (Bal) and Cedric Benson (Cincy) - The two biggest fantasy surprises this year, by far. For me, Ray Rice isn't as much of a surprise as Cendric Benson because I watched Ray Rice at Rutgers for 4 years and could have told you he was going to be an impact player. I'm sure everyone and their mother are kicking themselves for not picking Cedric Benson as their sleeper pick. I still don't believe that he's good. Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

The "Safest Fantasy Performer Every Week" Award:
Reggie Wayne (Indy) - Every week I'm waiting for Reggie Wayne to have a normal off day. But plain and simple, he doesn't have them. It is so frustrating to NOT have him on your team because he is a guaranteed 17-20 points per week. It's really incredible.

The "Wait, He Really Does Suck That Bad" Award:
Terrell Owens (Buffalo) - I don't really know how I feel about T.O. He played for my Cowboys, I have his jersey, but I just don't think I like him. But there is one thing I do know....he doesn't have it anymore. He's lost his ability like Sammy Sosa's lost respect for his African heritage. (<--Please click that link guys. It's worth it. Trust me. Just do it.)

The "God, I Can't Believe He's Actually This Good" Award:

Peyton Manning (Indy) - He's the best football player in the National Football League. That's all you need to know.

The Skip Bayless, "I Talk Way Too Much, But It's Extremely Entertaining" Award:
Chad Ochocinco (Cincy) - Just a few quotes to emphasize his award: "You might as well Just Kiss the Baby" "Child Please" and my recent favorite said this week about Pittsburgh's Ike Taylor, "He couldn't stop me if I was inside a paper bag, inside a phone booth, tied around the phone wire." Haha, the Chad is great.

The Al Davis Award for the Most Consecutive Horrible Decisions a Team Can Possibly Make:
Al Davis (Oak) - This man has no business owning a team in the NFL. Let me list just a few of the decisions he's made:

Tom Cable
Darius Heyward-Bey
Jamarcus Russel
Randy Moss for 4th round pick
Art Shell
Darren McFadden (sorry Darren)

Need I say more?

The "Where the Hell Did You Come From Award":
Miles Austin (Dal) - FROMMMMMMM...Monmouth baby. New Jersey stand up. I love that Miles Austin is good. I love that he's making the T.O. decision a non issue. I love his number. I love that I saw him at Bar A in New Jersey. I love that he smiles on every catch. I may just love him in general.

The "I May Actually Not Be A Bust" Award:
Vernon Davis (SF) - Ever since that benching one year ago by Mike Singletary, he has turned his life around and is now a captain of this team. He's also the best TE in the league right now in terms of yards and touchdowns. Job well done Vernon. Too bad his QB is.....

The "I Probably Am a Bust" Award:
Alex Smith (SF) - The thing that messed up Alex Smith was Norv Turner. Alex Smith was actually becoming a good quarterback and then Norv Turner decided he wanted to become a head coach of a 14-2 team, I can't really blame him. Since then Smith has been horrendous. I actually drafted Alex Smith as a backup quarterback a few years ago in fantasy football. Wait, did I really just say that? We must be coming to a close....

The critically acclaimed, Most Valuable Player Award (MVP):
Drew Brees (NO) - He's unbelievable. Everyone says he has so many weapons, but he really doesn't. He has Marques Colston and Reggie Bush. That's it. He makes the rest of those guys, the Robert Meachem's, the Deverey Henderson's, and the Pierre Thomas's better. And that is the definition of a true MVP. You have to make the people around you better. You have to command leadership and command respect. You have to be the person that keeps defensive coordinators up until 3 in the morning every night. That is what Drew Brees is, he's the MVP so far.