Friday, December 4, 2009

The List

I woke up today not wanting to get up, but I had to because I had to go to a boring 8am class in which I didn't even do anything. So basically it was a waste of time. But out of this waste of time the idea for this article struck me as I overheard a girl in my class talking to her boyfriend. We were doing presentations in this class and each student had to present a movement in a sport. So with sports and girlfriends/wives on my mind, I came up with this concept. We're going to simply call it....The List.

The list is a composition by yours truly that is going to consist of every single sporting event throughout the calendar year that a true sports fan should have the ability to watch. There are no excuses to miss events on this list. I don't care if your wives' best friend since she were 2 years old has scheduled their 3rd marriage on the day of a sporting event. I don't care if your wife wants to have a day with her family (my in-laws) because you haven't seem them in a while. I don't even care if you tell us that we're stupid boys and threaten to break up or divorce us. We're still watching them, because they are on The List. I will also go over some proper etiquette that you females must conduct during our time watching everything on The List.

Now, before we get into The List, let me lay out some ground rules/statements. In no way shape or form is this an attack at you, ladies. This is just a testament, a factual document, an informative piece, dare I say....a marriage saver, that is going to help you be a better girlfriend or future wife. If you abide by the guidelines on The List, and support your man's fetish for watching sports 24/7 like watching their first child when they sleep, you ladies should be A-OK.

Every now and again we like our significant others to actually watch the game or event with us. It's great to include you girls in our sports lives because you don't want to be that girl who's at a get-together at our friends house and all of the other wives and girlfriends are name dropping like they were Howie Schwab (Stump the Schwab). You don't want to walk up to a conversation and the girls are saying names like, Peyton Manning, Lebron James, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Ovechkin, Tiger Woods (the females don't exactly like Mr. Woods right now), or Adrian Peterson, and you have no idea who those athletes are. So, we'd like you to take a decent interest in our sports. Please don't take a COMPLETE interest in our sports because us guys do need some time to ourselves to shout curse words, scream at the TV, eat garbage food, and put our hands in our pants during the games, without getting ridiculed. So let's try to keep it to 2 questions per half, 3-4 comments about the hott-ness of a player per game, and only 1-2 dirty looks per evening.

So now without further ado we are going to pronounce The List. Bare with me ladies and gents.

Disclaimer: I should also mention that The List is subject to change whenever I feel like it, or if I miss a particular sporting event.

The List

The "I Can Miss Them, But I'm Going To Be Pissed at You for 3 Weeks" events:
  • Baseball: We are allowed to watch every game of our favorite team.
    As well as every playoff game leading up to the World Series. If our team is not in the playoffs we can miss these, but we will be pissed. (May-October)
  • Hockey: Any game involving Alexander Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby. These aren't that bad to miss because nobody likes hockey anyway. (May)
  • Hockey: Stanley Cup Playoffs. Personally I don't think they matter until the Finals. (May)
  • Soccer: MLS Championship and National Team exhibitions. (All Year)
  • Olympics: Any event that doesn't include the National Basketball Team (Every Four Years)
  • NBA: The NBA Draft. Don't get it twisted ladies, we will miss this for a dinner date with your friend, but just take into account that we aren't speaking for three weeks after. (June)
  • Tennis: Any time Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer play against each other. This one might be a 5 week ban, ladies. (February-September)
The "Only Way I'm Missing These Events is if a Distant Friend Dies or My Mother Tells Me She's Going To Kill Me if I Don't Do Something" events:
  • Baseball: All seven games of the World Series, regardless if your team is in them or not. (October)
  • Golf: Anything that Tiger Woods plays in on Sundays. (All Year)
  • Golf: The US Open, Master's, British Open, The Open Championship, and the PGA Championship. There is no way we are missing these events as long as Tiger Wood's is alive. (January-October)
  • Olympics: The US Men's National Basketball Team's games during the Summer Olympics. Let us show our patriotism ladies, comon'. (Every Four Years)
  • Documentaries: Any documentary that regards a favorite team/player/event of ours. (All Year)
  • NBA: Regular Season match ups on Wednesday and Thursday nights. There's no way I'm missing Kenny and Chuck on TNT, Thursday nights. (October-June)
  • NFL: Preseason Games of our Favorite Teams. (August)
  • College Football: Any Top 25 match up, or any game your favorite team plays on Saturdays. (September-January)
The "Only Way I'm Missing These Events is if Someone We Know That's Close to Us Dies and/or Has to be Rushed to the Hospital, or My First Child is Being Born" Events:
  • Soccer: National Team Games that are meaningful. (All Year)
  • Soccer: Any world cup game. (Every Four Years)
  • Soccer: World Cup Championship Game. (Every Four Years)
  • Tennis: US Open, French Open, Wimbledon, and Australian Open. Trust me ladies and gentlemen, Tennis is much more exciting then you think. (February-October)
  • Tennis: If Pete Sampras or Andre Agassi ever make a comeback, there's no way were not watching. (Whenever)
  • College Basketball: Top 25 match up during the regular season. (October-March)
  • College Basketball: March Madness bracket selection show. God I love this. (February)
  • NBA: Playoff games that don't include the Finals. (May-June)
  • College Football: Any Bowl game that I have a vested interest in. Deal with it. (September-January)
and now.....

The "Absolutely Can Not Miss, No Matter What the Circumstances are" events:
  • College Basketball: Any game of March Madness. There is nothing we love more as sports fans than filling out a bracket, sitting at home from 12pm-11pm watching nothing but upsets and Dicky Vitale screaming. "It's March Madness baby!!!" all day long. This includes every round of games and the Final Four. (March)
  • College Basketball: National Championship game. I don't even have to explain this one. (March)
  • NFL: Sundays from September to February, us guys need our time from 11am to 11 pm. I call it the 11-11 rule. We need to watch every single game, have 3 computers in front of us to check fantasy scores every single second and there is no way shape or form we are missing our favorite team's game that week.(September-January)
  • NFL: Monday Night Football, Sunday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, and Saturday Night Football. (September-January)
  • NFL: Any Playoff Game in January, especially if our team makes the playoffs. There really is nothing that you can tell us that won't get us to watch this game. If you're rushing into labor....they better have a TV there, that's all I'm saying. (January)
  • NBA: The NBA Finals. Regardless of the teams that are playing in it. (May-June)
  • NFL: We Conclude with the Superbowl. This marks the ultimate can't miss sporting event. If you're going into labor you better hold that baby in until the 4th quarter is over. I'm sorry, that's just how it has to be.

Now that The List has been established, I urge all females who have a loved one or a significant other who loves sports to print this out. Put it on your wall. Put it at your place of work. Tell your girls about it. Tell your students. Tell your grandma. Make copies for your entire family. I don't care how you spread the information. It will give you at least something to talk about with your girlfriends. Maybe you'll talk about how ridiculous I am, maybe not. All I know is that The List has been made, and the men have spoken. Good day, and Good Luck.


  1. nfl draft round 1 should be on the list...but seriously im puttin this list in my marrage agreements

  2. Love the idea of the list man, great stuff.

    However, the World Cup final in a tier below any regular old NFL game? Just doesn't sit well with me. What if we get a Ravens-Browns Monday night stinker? I don't have to watch every NFL game. Hell, if we didn't have the Comcast box I would never see the Thursday night games.

    World Cup finals is where it's at.

    I would move the Stanley Cup finals ahead of NFL preseason too. Playoff hockey is intense.


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