H-O-R-S-E

Let’s imagine for a second, that any of us actually understand the TV show, LOST. Let’s also pretend that somehow we harnessed the island’s energy and we’re able to skip through time like the island in season 4. Unfortunately this blog post doesn’t include gorgeous woman like Kate, or cool dudes who throw knives or torture people like Locke and Sayid. We’re going to take this time machine back one week to NBA All-Star Weekend (which I should have been at, we’ll get into that later). So just like true LOST-fashion we’re going back in time hold on…

(LOUD CREEKING SOUND)…

(GIGANTIC WHITE FLASH)…

Annnnd we’re here. It’s Friday night. The first event of the day is my new favorite event, the HORSE competition. The dunk contest used to be my favorite contest of the night but it is becoming so bad that it’s getting unwatchable, kind of like Grey’s Anatomy. Last year was the first year they introduced the HORSE competition and it was rather star studded. It consisted of my man-crush Kevin Durant, Joe Johnson, and OJ Mayo. It was pretty entertaining and I thought that this year’s was going to be even that much better. This year Kevin Durant came back to defend his title, which was a plastic horse trophy. But that’s neither here nor there. Rajon Rondo and Omri Casspi were the other two contestants. First Red Flag. Omri Casspi? Maybe I should just leave it for the running diary.

Now, earlier in the day I had called my boy Fitz to come over and watch the Saturday night festivities with me, college style. Just keep this in mind as your reading through the diary. Let’s get into it…

6:55PM – I figured it would be fitting if I gave you my pick to win the whole thing (as if you didn’t know who it was going to be) Mr. Kevin Durant. I picked Durant for two reasons. Last year when the going got tough in the competition, Durant turned it up a notch and showed that competitive mentality that says, “I’m not losing,” and went on a tear making somewhere around 764 shots in a row. The second reason is because he is now my single favorite NBA player, sorry Lebron.

6:58PM – Pre contest odds (according to me), Durant -250, Rondo +150, Casspi +894.

7:00PM – Ernie Johnson is telling Kenny Smith, Chuck, and C-Webb that they have to partner up and coach a player in the contest. C-Webb had first pick and chose Rondo, who is a major sleeper in this contest because he’s very creative on the court. Charles had Kevin Durant but then makes a last minute trade to Omri Casspi (We’ll see how this turns out). This leaves Kenny Smith with Kevin Durant. Deadly.

7:05PM – No sign of Eric Fitz.

7:15PM – The first shot of the contest is an uploaded video from YouTube and every one has to make it or they get a letter. I’m pretty sure that’s not how you play HORSE but OK, let’s try it. By the way, it’s a backwards through the legs bomb from the three line. Yup, this is going to work out well. Charles has no idea why this is a rule, me neither Chuck.

7:18PM – In case you were scoring at home, they all missed. New Lebron/Kobe Puppet Commercial is on. Thye definitely lost all momentum with these commercials. Why not something about Kobe’s 4th ring and asking him where Lebron was last May? Or is that too obvious?

7:21PM – Durant bangs home his first shot from 30 feet. I love him

7:22PM – Rondo sinks the same shot. I thought he couldn’t hit anything outside 5 feet? Casspi airballs his first shot, followed by a quick cut to Charles Barkley doing the Peyton Manning face. Priceless.

7:25PM – Durant’s jumper is so wet.

7:26PM – “That’s what she said.” – Michael Scott, The Office.

7:28PM – Odds for the biggest man crush on Kevin Durant: Kenny Smith +250, Bill Simmons +150, Tom DeRiggi -350.

7:29PM – Chuck may be the worst coach for a HORSE competition I’ve ever seen. It’s a complete awkward silence between he and Casspi, kind of like Tiger and his sex therapist.

7:30PM – Reason no. 46 while Kevin Durant will win: Has that MJ/Kobe killer competitiveness. Everyone is joking around, but Durant is stone faced and ready to win. He will play it cool at first but when he has to, he will light it up for the win.

7:34PM – Don’t know how many times I can say it, this event needs Steve Nash.

7:36PM – No one is really making shots right now. Omri Casspi is about to be eliminated, but is saved by an easy bank shot. It’s at this point we find out that Casspi has never played HORSE before. Oh great, so he’s supposed to have any chance? His odds just went up to +6900.

7:39PM – How long to we have to go until we admit Casspi was a horrendous choice for this competition. He can’t even make up his own shot ideas, coupled with Chuck as a coach. Disaster.

7:45PM – Kenny Smith has an idea for a shot. He brings our a little kid from the front row wearing a Dallas jersey. Kevin Durant shoots the jumper over him and sinks it, followed by 5-6 jokes about how this is realistic because Dallas plays no defense. There’s a reason why these guys win Emmy’s for the best sports show. If you’re still scoring at home, all three sank the jumper over the Dallas defender. Pure comedy.

7:47PM – Audio slip up by TNT – Chuck is complaining about how long this is going saying that he needs to meet up with his family and friends in the other arena. Maybe if you included Steve Nash in this instead of Omri Casspi we would be done.

7:49PM – Because of horrible scheduling, Kenny and C-Webb have to leave to participate in the shooting stars competition, leaving Chuck to coach all three. Yikes.

7:55PM – Chuck mistakenly calls Omri, Omar. In related news, Chuck is an idiot.

7:56PM – Omar, I mean Omri Casspi gets eliminated. Thank goodness. There’s no doubt in my mind that I could have beaten him. EJ announces that if time runs short they are going to a 3 point shootout to decide the winner. Great planning, TNT. Why don’t you just hand it to Kevin Durant now. Go ahead.

8:00PM – KD vs RR. Rondo was getting tricky because it is the only way to beat Kevin Durant. Going into a shootout now, here we go. KD by a landslide.

8:02PM – KD has hit 4 in a row, Rondo 4 in a row.

8:04PM – KD hits 8 in a row before missing. Rondo has hit 10 straight. Yes, you just read that correctly.

8:05PM – Chuck is erging Kevin and Rondo to keep going so the TNT producers sweat out how much time they will have to cut out because this is running to long. I haven’t seen Chuck this excited since, well I’ve never seen him that excited actually.

8:06PM – Rondo finally gets the last letter, Durant wins. That was actually way more exciting then I thought it would be. Durant receives an actual trophy. Why? The plastic Horse trophy has so much more meaning. Ughh. Someone put me in charge of this competition.

8:08PM – It’s 8:08. Do you know where your Eric Fitz is?

As I predicted, Mr. Durant wound up winning. But I really think this event needs Durant, Nash, and Lebron. But I also know Lebron will never do it because he is afraid to get beat in something. It’s the same reason why he won’t participate in the dunk contest. Comon Lebron, every great competed in All-Star Saturday, except you. Just do it already. Alright back to reality

(WHITE FLASH)